Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
