i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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