I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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