I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
