wrigley field is MILF paradise
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
We smell like vodka and hangover
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