We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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