I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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