Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
