U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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