please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
