yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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