I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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