mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
