I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
