the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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