when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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