your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
