Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
