Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
