Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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