What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Randomize
