Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
