I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
