I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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