They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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