I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
