If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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