and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
