1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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