Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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