he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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