I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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