My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
