The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
