Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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