there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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