Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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