I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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