Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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