You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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