You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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