he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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