Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
