She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
my liver is dry heaving
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
