I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
