she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
