sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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