Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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