I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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