why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
