Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
