Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
