just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
