I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
