He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize