did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
