I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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