Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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