Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
