This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
