Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
