I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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