Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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